"You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair."

"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."

"Any party which takes credit for the rain must not be surprised if its opponents blame it for the drought."

"One must be poor to know the luxury of giving!"

"You are only as wise as others perceive you to be."

"Delay not; swift the flight of fortune's greatest favours."

"Truth is subject to too much analysis."

"People want to know how much you care before they care how much you know."